To Death
by AyaEnnui
Summary: The poppies are blooming, but you can't see them. AU, sequel to Letters


Lien is dying and Lili doesn't know what to do, she doesn't know what to do, it wasn't supposed to end this way, why, why?

That's all she can ask herself: _why_?

So she screams and complains and resents the world, everything that's taking her future away from her, protests and cries and violently rages at the skies.

"_You can't take her away from me_!" over and over again, "_You can't take her away from me_!"

The heavens are always silent.

Lili kneels besides Lien's hospital bed, which is white and immaculate and impersonal and too, too cold, oh god, and takes her hand, shrunken and yellow, and takes it within her own, too smooth and white and healthy.

She would trade her life, give away as many years she had, if only Lien would live. Just, if only it hadn't happened this way. It was never supposed to.

At night Lili lies awake, staring at the ceiling and feverishly delusional, wondering if she went into cancer research maybe could she find a cure and save Lien and have a happily ever after?

These nights are hardly the worst, when she loses herself in a mist of surreal bizarreness and seems to drift away, no longer be Lili Zwingli, but someone else watching the situation play out, remote and unaffected.

And then there are _those_ nights, when she can't sleep, and doesn't dare to move, as if she might disrupt something irreplaceable, commit some cardinal sin, if she stirs an inch.

So she just lays there, and counts away the seconds, until the sun rises.

Then she gets up.

She goes to her job and as soon as she gets out, she drives to the hospital and stays by Lien's side. And it's hard, it's cutting into her schedule and her education but she really doesn't give a shit. If it's this hard for her it must be infinitely difficult for Lien, and she has to keep that in perspective.

Lien _needs_ her, and Lili will always be there for her.

But if there's weakness in Lien, fear or sorrow, it certainly doesn't show. She carries on like she always has, calm and gentle and kind, and even when her face crinkles like a smashed up paper she still looks benign and peaceful and happy.

And Lili won't admit it to herself, but she resents that, in some distant corner of her mind. She wants Lien to cry too, to be sad, to show any modicum of emotion because Lili is losing it, and doesn't Lien care? They're about to be separated, for _ever, ever, ever_.

Lili wants Lien to weep.

She won't admit it, though, so she carries on, goes to the hospital and kisses Lien's hand and they smile shyly at each other, demurely and almost coyly, it's a flirting game although they've already done everything with each other, Lien is faded now but she's still the most beautiful thing in the world to Lili.

She won't let her little flower be taken away, but what can she do? Day after day, the cancer gnaws at Lien's essence, her life, and Lili can only watch as it dribbles away.

She grows paler, and more subdued, and then the doctors take Lili aside and give her that fatal news she's been expecting forever, but oh, she doesn't want to hear it.

That night, standing in front of the mirror, Lili makes her decision. She will take her life. She will kill herself, before she allows anyone to separate them.

Her mind is made up, and now she is finally at peace. She will wait until Lien's time is up, and then she will follow her, into whatever awaits them, be it eternal oblivion or the afterlife.

She's hardly a romantic, she never would have considered herself capable of this, but it feels like there is no other choice.

The choice, whatever it was, whatever it had been, has been taken out of her hands.

So she waits.

~~~0~~~

"At home the flowers are blooming. Red, white, and pink, the poppies open up and ripple into different colors, different shapes, and then the whole field is transformed into a idyll of beauty."

Lien cracks an eye open and smiles wryly. "It never did that when I was around."

Lili laughs. "Well, it is now. You'll have to take my word for it."

Lien nestles against her sheets, and extends a thin hand to Lili. The palm is small, childlike, damp and cold. "Bring me a photo."

"I could bring you a flower."

"No, no." Lien gazes out the window. "Let them live."

Lili recognizes this moment of melancholy, lets it pass, and then cradles the hand to her cheek. "One wouldn't be missed. If it brings you joy that's a worthy end to its life."

"A worthy end." Lien seems to contemplate this in her mind.

Lili stoops down and kisses her, and brushes her forehead gently. "I love you so much."

Lien doesn't answer.

"Whatever happens, you have to remember, I love you, I love you more than anything else in the world, I love you."

~~~0~~~

If there is such a thing as a worthy end to a life, this must be it, Lili thinks, looking down, down, where the cars whiz by on black asphalt.

Lien had to know, as she died, as the life seeped out of her, don't forget don't forget how much I loved you loved you.

Love you.

She jumps.


End file.
